the path to greatness

I am blessed and cursed. Blessed because from an early age, I have always known what I want for my future. There's always ever been one career for me to pursue, and that's to be a journalist. I didn't need pressure or persuasion from my parents or any advice from high school counselors. It's just always been my goal. I'm cursed because now, at the age that I am, I'm faced with the daunting task of making it all happen. I can't use "not sure" as an excuse to waste time figuring myself out. I've always been sure. There's just one little problem, wanting something isn't really enough. Forget about the cheesy lines about chasing your dreams and achieving anything if you "put your mind to it." I'm playing with the big boys now, and those fairy tale motivational posters lay taped onto my dusty high school classroom walls. From here on out, the only currency they accept is a little bit of luck and a lot cold, hard, focus.

my seattle summer

"There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen"

-Maurice Sendak

"it's only life"

I've learned something about myself, and I'm sure this is some generic message that can be found at the end of some chick flick somewhere, but I'm going to write it out anyways. I really am the kind of person that can't live in the moment, I'm far too reminiscent and I'm always missing the way things used to be. It's funny, because if I'm always thinking about how great things used to be and never happy with the way things are, how did I even embed the memories I look back on as good? For me, I think there's something comforting in the past, even if it wasn't all golden, it's safe. The past is over, we know how it ends, just not how it continue. We all know how selective our memories can be. It's like rewatching a movie just for your favorite parts, or re-reading the best chapter of a book.

Even when I can't specifically identify what I feel like "lacking" in my life now, I just continuously place comparisons with how good it was before. It's actually a recent shift in my personality. It used to be I couldn't wait for things to change, now it's like I wish so much for things to go back to how the were. Of course I don't actually mean that. I think that it's just been a really long stale patch of having nothing to look forward to.

On another note, I've realized I don't like blogging, or rather don't see the point in it. Maybe I'm just a really bad blogger, but I don't really find anything satisfying about rambling mindless nothings to a faceless audience. I think it's just because this blog is too random. I've recently taken on a project for HY.GEN.IC, and that's something I really get excited to write about. It's real subjects, real drive, and real purpose. Here's my first piece for them: Crystal Castles-Ontario, Canada

On second thought, maybe I don't just think about the past all the time. Because I think I spend just as much time daydreaming about my future as I do being wistful about the past. Who knows. I'm just one big ball of tangled thoughts lately, and trying to spout something philosophical just for the sake of a blog entry is ceeertainly not something I'm going to try again anytime soon.